Behold here the leader of the Proud Boys

Dressed up like a soldier, without the poise.

So butch and tough, yeah the hat says it best.

Hang on, what’s that weapon snug in your vest…?

Huh, it’s a WHITE CLAW! Is that Natural Lime?

You War Boys sure know how to have a good time!

TB12 built an entire franchise

On how to age well and still win the prize.

So I must admit I was skeptical,

When with his stats that are impeccable,

He hung up the cleats and said he would punt…

Turns out it was just a marketing stunt!

When growing up I was frequently told

Adversity helps you as you grow old.

It hardens your character, makes you strong

And allows you to cope when things go wrong.

Yes, I was worried we were getting weak…

But the past two years are breaking that streak.

When people complain about all their junk

And fall into a state of consumer funk

I’m always amazed at their resilience

For very quickly I see the brilliance

As their eyes light up at the very thought

That there’s always something more to be bought!

You’d be tempted to think that it’s a joke.

Given all the things that seem to be broke

Now this? Really? Invading from the sky?

I didn’t even know spiders could fly!

One more threat to add to anxiety…

And a step away from sobriety.

Sir Ernest Shackleton, a total stud…

He was certainly no stick in the mud.

Among explorers he was with the best,

Saving all of his men was quite the quest.

Finding his ship is a wonderful feat

And provides us with a historical treat.

Stats can be deceiving, there is no doubt.

But trends are revealing, check this one out…

As political discourse has devolved

And politicians don’t care if it’s solved,

Huge numbers of us have said “Take a hike!”

And made the count of independents spike.

Some encouraging stats are out today…

75% of us say “Tweet? No way…!”

Only 1% watch FOX for their news,

Half of that get MSNBC’s views.

And three times more of us give to charity

Than we give to political barbarity.

A bright leader of our nation’s defense

Gates served eight presidents, that is immense…

Our vacation from history has now passed

And these times of peace will no longer last.

Like it or not, the only solution

Is global engagement, not dissolution.

It’s like he’s saying “Everyone calm down,

I’m not the most dangerous thug in town.”

Yes, he’s invaded a peaceful neighbor

And is far from finished with his labor,

Now filling the world with nuclear fears.

But just take it easy! Let’s grab some beers…